Lawrence at: Drlawrencespelltemple hotmail. For months I have been going through emotional trauma in our marriage we have been seeing a therapist regularly but the recovery was very slow. It was like I was always the one to blame and nothing I said or did mattered. Things that I said to her in confidence were gossiped to all her family members and friends.
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I also struggle with depression and some sexual compulsive behavior but never cheated, I admitted to her that I am seeking therapy for these issues. Now we are separated and she has let the family know of all the details. I do not have hope of reuniting as her family has a horribly skewed version of me. It's sad that people are so divorce happy, why even get married in the first place? It's been over 4 months since separation not much has changed.
Had little to no contact with my wife and zero contact with my in-laws. My wife told everyone I was gay and said it is what it is. Personally I have been doing fantastic ran a 5k, 10k, running a half marathon in March. Took up dance classes. Grew in my faith feel closer with God and the church more now than ever before. Got a promotion and award at work.
Have clear goals, sound mind, and a thirst for knowledge and understanding.
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Have been going faithfully to recovery and therapy since separation and have accountability for any sexual compulsion. Been 3 months sober. Overall I've been very happy. I still get lonely and grieve but have a big support system. I'm still doing good. Continuing therapy and recovery, made a lot of new friends. My step in-laws defriended me on Facebook, my regular in-laws are still friends. I don't talk to her family and they don't talk to me. My wife has a divorce court date April 3rd. I'm still the bad guy and she's making sure I get full punishment for what I did to her.
Her family is in on it and I made a lot of enemies. I'm running a half marathon in 12 days, doing a dance competition Viennese Waltz, going to Kenya on a mission trip next summer, was baptized in December. I'm happier, healthier, and looking forward to what's next. Don't let a bad marriage stop you, there is hope. Don't give up. Although we went through a divorce on May 1 and my ex took everything.
I have to start over again. My lawyer thought she was autistic. The whole thing was a blessing in disguise. I ran my half marathon in I just found a new place and will be moving in shortly. I continued my schooling and finishing up a project management class. Still preparing for the Kenya missions trip. Things are pretty good for me and I have no complaints. I met someone new at dance, we are friends and taking it slow. This is a new chapter of my life. I still have some trust issues and get occasionally depressed but for the most part I am doing well.
I feel torn by this advice because I do share with my friends and feel they give balanced opinions for the most part and also respect any decision I make.
I try to do the same for them. Sometimes things are complicated and I want an outside opinion to know how to think of the issue. Like my current boyfriend does cocaine every week or two. I don't like this. And I've talked to my friends on how I'm supposed to react and how best to deal with the situation.
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However he found one of my texts where I complained we got into a fight and he was going to get cocaine again. Probably the worst text to read since I sent during the fight. He didn't see my friends response since they hadn't yet. But it wasn't all like "Leave the bastard". They keep it my choice to fix or not. However my boyfriend is livid with me. Saying I am sharing his personal business with people he doesn't know.
We haven't been going out too long How do you deal with new situations you don't know much about without talking to anyone. Is he right for feeling so upset? He thinks they will judge him harshly now. But I don't find they are like that I feel the same! I have great parents and a wonderful best friend that have no hesitation in telling me when I'm wrong, or how I could have handled something better. They have been a wonderful support system that has occasionally helped me keep things in perspective. Maybe it's important in who you chose to talk to, and if you're just gossiping or honestly seeking advice about a situation you're struggling with.
If your intent is to make the other person out to be the bad guy then these conversations will always turn them into the bad guy. We separated and he immediately told his family.
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His mother, brothers and their wives threw me under the bus. We haven't spoken and they will not any calls or texts. We are now reconciling. How and why do I ever have to deal woth his horrible family?!?!? Not quite a divorce issue but my husband and I have had a wounding two years at the hands of my narcissist sister who has both ruined our relationship with her through false claims and also smeared us both with our family, all of whom live miles away in the same home town. The only way forward for us now is to go no contact with her and my two 'flying monkey' brothers.
Before this, we had a great relationship with my brother-in-law, whom I had known as a teenager even before my sister, and I feel I should write to him briefly explaining the situation and saying that we still wish him well even though contact will be almost negligible from now on. I suspect that all he knows of the situation will be whatever lies my sister felt like telling him as he is a peace keeper and he is likely to have said to leave him out of it all. Any advice from anyone on this would be welcome.
So what do you do if therapy is not immediately available to you and all of your friends are mutual friends, or you need to reach out to family in case you need help? For example, if one spouse has no means to leave but is thinking about it and need help, are they supposed to keep this to themselves until they show up at their family's house with cases? What if you're dealing with a spouse who stonewalls or gets defensive when told they're doing something wrong?
I get that blabbing every single dirty detail about your marriage is a no-no. But you can't keep a miserable spouse isolated and without support because they need to keep the others dirty secrets. Most people remember what hurt them not what makes them happy. The only person that goes on and on about it is me. Love is abstract and not personal. What will be the end result? So thanks, Another marriage broken and another person leaving. Unless you marry someone with low expectations and love you for you not because of some standards.
People do whatever they feel like. When you're dealing with a financially and emotionally immature spouse who can't possibly be told anything to the point where one wants to give up, its hard to not want to reach out to family. The spouse does exactly what they want while your finances are destroyed and living in constant stress. So the solution is to keep their poor behavior secret with no escape plan? Other than the above line I'm not sure if we're in agreement or not, but it isn't really all that important : Cheers! The only thing a family member is going to do is advise you against your spouse.
Your family will ageee with you. The solution is not abandonment and divorce. I'm trying. But we both feel pretty terrible right now. I'm waiting in a mental health clinic right now. I'd rather not leave but its hard to not want to make it an option when you feel like you're being ran over, you know? Anyway, wish me luck :. True no one wants to feel run over.
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At the end of the day you have to do what is best for you. Your spouse ruined you financially and emotionally due to his immaturity. What point do you cut your loss? Needless to say, it came as a tremendous shock to this man to learn first, that his Dad was not his biological father and also that he harbored no genes for heart disease. In case number 2 above, the young woman finally felt enough trust in the therapist to summon up her courage and reveal the fact that she had been raped when she was in her very early twenties. For ten years she harbored this secret, feeling like she was damaged, believing she was at fault for the rape, fearful of telling her boyfriend for fear she would be judged promiscuous and rejected, and living with an enormous amount of rejection.
Once she started to discuss the rape in therapy, including all of her beliefs and fears about its occurrence, and once she felt fully accepted by the therapist, she started to feel enormous relief and her depression started to lift. Family secrets have consequences beyond what the secret keepers ever imagined. For example, in case number 2, the young woman who had been raped avoided forming a permanent relationship with a man for fear that when he learned about her rape she would be rejected.
However, her trust in her therapist and the safety of the therapy office allowed her to take the risk of revealing the secret. The therapist's sympathetic, warm, and assuring response was such that she found the courage to tell her boyfriend. His compassion, warmth, and total acceptance of her were the source of even more relief.
Then, she decided to tell her mother about it and learned information that was enormously helpful to her in her recovery from depression. When this young woman told her mother about the rape she was once again met with warmth, acceptance, and deep feelings of regret that her daughter had kept this secret for so many years.
The question was why had the young woman elected to maintain secrecy?
The answer to the above question was that the young woman was raised in a family culture of secrecy. After she and her mom talked about the rape a very emotional discussion her mother revealed all types of family secrets that had been kept from the children for years. The most important secret was that there was a long history of schizophrenia running through both sides of the family for many past generations.
Keeping secrets became the norm of family functioning. Thus, it was natural for the young woman to hold a personal secret for so many years. Family members, extremely ashamed of mental illness running in the family, developed a culture of non communication and secrecy to protect themselves from the truth and to prevent any embarrassing information from becoming available to outsiders. The young woman's reaction to all of this was huge relief at no longer having to live with secrets, even though she did not know many of these pieces of information.
The relationship between this young woman and her boyfriend has grown deeper and closer as a result of her having divulged the awful truth of what happened to her many years ago. Maintaining family secrets provides an opportunity for some family members to form a bond between one another. However, the involvement in maintaining a secret means that other family members are excluded. Therefore, this third individual is excluded. In order to continue to keep the secret, lies often have to be told and truth distorted. If the excluded member makes an observation that is perceived as coming too close to the secret, then the observation has to be refuted.
In case number one, I was the younger child who, upon entering elementary school, was coached by the family to state that my father was dead. I simply came to assume he was dead. Decades later, when the truth emerged and I had the opportunity to meet my father, I felt alienated from my older brother who knew the truth and kept it from me.
Learning and education are made possible by human curiosity. However, there is plentiful evidence that maintaining family secrets deeply affects children's ability to learn. The nature of secrets is that no one knows about their existence. However, children are intuitive and are quick to sense changes in tone of voice, facial expressions, and other non verbal communications indicating that there is a secret. If they have reason to fear asking for information because of parental anger, it has a dampening effect on their education.
There are simply too many case studies in the literature that illustrate the fact that once a therapist helps a family to disclose and discuss a secret, the learning difficulties of the child vanish. Peggy Papp, family psychotherapist, writes about a case in which a ten-year-old girl has math problems until she is helped by her therapist to understand something in her parent's wedding picture that made no sense to her. Together, they added the months between her parents wedding and when she was born and she discovered that she was 15 months-old by the time they married.
Her parents then admitted that she was adopted. Her math problems in school vanished. We human beings are metaphorical in nature. It has been my experience that after suffering a "broken heart" over a tragedy, a person has a heart attack. Some examples of the relationship between physical or somatic symptoms and secrecy are:. This is referred to as denial. I have seen families in which parents, as well as the anorectic individual, are in denial about the illness. I have also known of many cases where children are raised in an atmosphere of dark secrecy about both the matriarchal and patriarchal parts of their families.
They grow up with a sense that something must be wrong but fear discussing this with their parents. In this type of family, once secrecy becomes the norm, there is no end to the ways in which information is blocked from flowing. In these situations, children keep secrets from parents, and parents keep secrets from children and from one another.
Lists with This Book. This book is not yet featured on Listopia. Community Reviews. Showing Rating details. Sort order. Mar 03, Supriya rated it liked it. A readable novel - brings all of the author's personality into the book. A believable protagonist - with all her foibles and oddities, she is nevertheless a likeable woman. The peculiar relationships of mothers and daughters in a modern setting is well described, although not particular psychological revelations as such, I still read the whole book through.
Mar 22, Janet Ramski rated it it was amazing. A powerful, moving account of a daughter's discovery of her mother's life. It's not until long after her mother dies, that Ros begins to discover more about her mother Lilian's upbringing in South Africa during apartheid. I don't know about anyone else, but I couldn't put it down! The novel really well represents the modern version of the 'uncanny'. Besides I found it funny, easy to read and including many author's private memories and experiences, which visibly stand out on the canvas of the remaining narrative.
I recommend this book. Mar 22, Dianne Gary rated it really liked it. Interesting book that touches on lots of different issues - divorce, separation, unfaithfulness but also South African politics I enjoyed it. Feb 08, Nikkers rated it liked it. I loved the story within the story. Mar 26, Annie Kookie rated it really liked it. This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here. Rosalind Ros finds her world as she knows it falling apart after her mothers' demise. Within the same year she and her husband separate and her twin boys are off on a journey - everything conspires to leave Ros alone with her thoughts, and her deceased mother's voice echoing in her mind.
In her attempt to collect and find herself again, Ros discovers a past of her mothers that she never knew existed and thus embarks upon a journey of learning her mothers' past, and having that past reverberate Rosalind Ros finds her world as she knows it falling apart after her mothers' demise. In her attempt to collect and find herself again, Ros discovers a past of her mothers that she never knew existed and thus embarks upon a journey of learning her mothers' past, and having that past reverberate into her own life.
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