Dont Make Me Make You Brownies: A Laugh Out Loud, Cry a Little Romantic Comedy


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It'll probably be some jerk no one ever heard of. Hibbert: Homer, you'll make a full recovery. But I'm afraid your MyPad is gone. Hibbert: This is the part of my job I hate most: talking to crazy people. Homer Simpson: Folks, hope isn't just inside the house of God, it's outside the house of me! Homer: Barack Obama I don't know. I already have one wife telling me to eat healthy and he promised me death panels and Grampa's still alive. Mitt Romney? I hear he wears magic underpants. I expect the leader of the free world to go commando. Plus, his horse totally choked at the Olympics.

Voting Machine: Thank you for voting Mitt Romney. You may now see his tax return. Homer: What's this? Medical deduction for a personality implant? He has six wives all named Ann. I've got to tell the press! Marge Simpson: The reason I don't want this car is because I want to have another baby. Bart Simpson: [after the car falls in the sinkhole] Oh, no! Lisa's face! It's exactly the same! Mayor Quimby: For the first time in my administration, a problem has been solved. The sink hole has been filled by the thing it fears most: stuff.

Moe: When you've been around as long as I had, you get used to everything.

Perks of Being a Wallflower, The Script at IMSDb.

Runaway monorails, giant sinkholes, Jeff Gordon Bart Simpson: Just came to check on your shades. Wouldn't want your carpet to fade. Bart Simpson: Mostly writing on the chalkboard. I'm open to suggestions. Seriously, I'm starting to run out of ideas. Now what are you up to? Bart Simpson: [Speaking into recorder] A lady never tells, a gentleman never asks.

Homer Simpson: [to Bart] Son, stamp collecting is like life -- it stopped being fun a long time ago. Sideshow Mel: Lisa, applause is an addition, like heroin -- or checking your e-mail. Sideshow Mel: Lisa didn't know it then, but she had just dipped her toe into the business of show. And it is a business, as you shall see in about three seconds, two, one Burns: I have won every coin, yet I feel strangely empty inside.

Oh, there's another coin. That should do it. Drew Carey: The thing about Krusty is that he's always on. To know exactly what he's on, you have to test his pee. Krusty the Clown: A famous entertainer once said that ninety percent of success is showing up on time. Sorry I'm four hours late. Krusty the Clown: I have pastrami on my teeth, and that's everyone's problem.

Homer: [sadly] No Ned Flanders: Oh, I don't care for the speed, but I can't get enough of that safety gear - helmets, roll bars, caution flags Maude Flanders: I like the fresh air, and looking at the poor people in the infield. I'll get some hot dogs. Reverend Lovejoy: In many ways, Maude Flanders was a supporting player in our lives. She didn't grab our attention with memorable catchphrases, or comical accents.

Reverend Lovejoy: But, whether you noticed her or not, Maude was always there Reverend Lovejoy: My friends, life is about change. Just yesterday, Apu was a lonely bachelor. I'll go get some hot dogs. Bart Simpson: [apologizing to Lisa] It was an accident! I didn't mean to kill our ants.

Homer Simpson: [passing by] Patty and Selma are dead? Whoo hoo! Double funeral!

The Single Dad’s Guide To Fake News : Volume 26

Homer Simpson: Oh, please tell me they suffered. Chief Wiggum: Well, Mr. Burns, care to explain how this miracle of measure and harmony came into your possession? Burns: Well, I You see Is it a crime to enjoy nice things, and then steal them from a public museum, where any gum-chewing monkey in a Tufts University jacket can come and gawk at them? I think not! Burns: [voiceover, as Smithers leaves the prison] This would have been the perfect time for it to start raining. Oh, what the hell? I'm telling the story.

Marge Simpson: Shopping. Whenever the town riots, the malls are empty. You stay here while I'm gone. Bart Simpson: Shall we let her live the rest of her life out in the wild, or in captivity like Grandpa? Burns: The plant's first annual Fourth of July company picnic is this upcoming weekend. Burns: No, you misunderstand. The picnic is for me. You will all be spending our Day of Independence slaving away at my mansion under the hot summer sun, without pay, water, or gratitude. Lenny Leonard: Things have changed in the outside while you were gone.

Wealthy people can beat the system now. Carl Carlson: They don't have parking meters anymore. Now there's a little thing you swipe your credit card into. Homer Simpson: The war is over and the future won. Past never even had a chance, man. Burns: Spare ribs, eh? I've played a round of tenpins in my day, and to me, spare reeks of second best. Get me ten frames of strike ribs at once!

And you, call my doctor and ask him why I would ask for something so absurd as strike ribs. Homer Simpson: Hey, you're right. Burns: Surprised? Me, C. Montgomery Burns locked up like an animal? How do I came to this puzzling turn of events? I'll explain it, by thinking about it to myself.

Burns' First Cellmate: Hiya, pal! I guess we're just two white-collar criminals. Burns: Oh, thank God. I thought you might be a hardened tattooed criminal. Burns' First Cellmate: Nah, they don't turn out too many of those at Dartmouth. Burns: Dartmouth? Guard, get me away from this brute! Get me out this instant! Kirk Van Houten: Son, do you really need the rotten one? But don't tell your mother. Burns: Smithers! Sound the alarm! Summon the shire-reeve! Wake the beadle! Burns: I'm afraid it's not that simple.

As punishment for your desertion, it's company policy to give you the plague. Burns: Ah, yes, the special de-motivational plaque to break what's left of your spirit. For you see, you're here Carl: Homer, you should see a doctor.

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I don't think a healthy man can make that kind of smell. Burns and plays his bald head like a bongo drum]. Burns: I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage Hans Gruber: Attention, American workers. Your plant has been taken over by an all-star team of freelance terrorists. Marge Simpson: You promised one hour of family time per week. Besides, that back-talking boat sets a bad example. Homer: Hey, what's this? It looks like you're "showering" Marge with gifts. With tiny, little, baby-sized gifts Homer: Oh, you're pregnant! That means we're gonna have to have a baby.

All our financial plans are ruined! We're doomed! Doomed, I tells ya! Homer: [feigning happiness] It's wonderful, it's magical, oh boy, here it comes, another mouth. Julius Hibbert: Congratulations, Mr. You have a beautiful, healthy, baby. Homer: Seems like the classy thing to do would be not to call attention to it. Homer: [praying] Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies.

If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever. Homer Simpson: Stupid boy. All you do is cost me money. Money I could be wasting. Lisa Simpson: Your film's not all bad. If you cut out the parts that don't work, it could make a great short film. Bart Simpson: This is insane! He didn't show up for work, he bad-mouthed the movie on Jimmy Fallon, and now he's hogging all the credit.

Marge Simpson: Don't worry, sweetie. It's the begining of a ridiculously long series of awards shows. You'll have your chance to say crazy things. Halle Berry: And the winner is Nick Park: No worries. I just stick them back on. I'm more clay than man now.

Homer Simpson: Don't worry, son. Everyone makes mistakes. Yours is just public and expensive. Russell Brand: It's nice to see all my friends from before I went to rehab. I'm just kidding, of course. None of you are my friends. I'm going to the Oscars! Not as a seat filler! I'm getting a gift basket! And I won't declare it! Homer Simpson: Bart! It's the middle of Awards season. Who the hell is calling you at three in the morning? Marge: [after watching Lisa's documentary of the family] One Simpsons movie was enough! Bart Simpson: So Dean Martin would show up at the last minute and do everything in just one take?

Homer Simpson: Don't you worry about Wikipedia; we'll change it when we get home. Lisa Simpson: I'll just give the signal. Julian Assange: That's my personal information and you have no right to know about it. Hey, but we're neighbors. Would you like to come over for a movie sometime? Homer Simpson: Well I have a really big secret for you. Marge Simpson: It says here we have to stay inside the shelter for three hours. Homer Simpson: Honey, you know my last words will be "I can outrun that lion.

Lisa Simpson: Why do we have to sit here? If we leave now, we could see what the town looks deserted. Lisa Simpson: I could watch a planetarium show without the second-hand marijuana. Homer Simpson: You always assume that a big picture of us in a secret meeting we weren't invited to is a bad thing. Homer Simpson: I always thought tar and feathered was just an expression.

How are you going to pave your roads and stuff your pillows now? Homer Simpson: If you cast us out, you will be cursed with a thousand year drought! I mean a thousand years of perfect weather. Homer Simpson: There's only one way out. I have to man up. Okay, manning up Manning up Homer Simpson: This is the Outlands, boy.

Ideas aren't good or bad, they're just free. Ned Flanders: Make way for Captain Calmhead! Now I like a good witch hunt as much as the next guy, but we shouldn't be so quick to judge our long-time neighbors. Mayor Quimby: Ned Flanders, we anticipated you being the voice of compassion, so we came prepared with a response. Mayor Quimby: Marge, you're a kind, compassionate woman who makes us see your family in a new light.

Homer Simpson: The old homestead. Remember when we first moved in? Homer Simpson: Lisa, everyone knows dragons do not attack cars. Geez, pick up a book. He sees a photograph of President Dwight D. Eisenhower sitting down with two dancers on either side]. Homer Simpson: [reading the caption] "President Eisenhower celebrates 40th wedding anniversary. Not pictured: Mrs. Lisa: Oh, one of them is playing my saxaphone. Release the spit valve! Homer: Oh, he's sitting in the ass-groove.

It took me years to work in that groove! Bart: We're natural-born Carnies, Dad. If only we weren't tied down with a family. Homer: Yeah. We could start our own game, where people throw ducks at balloons and nothing's the way it seems. Chief Wiggum: Uh, I hate to interrupt your fun boys, but I got a few complaints that your game is crooked. Chief Wiggum: Gee, I'd hate to close you down. Maybe we can reach a little, uh, understanding here. Chief Wiggum: Uh, let me put it this way. I'm looking for my friend Bill. Chief Wiggum: [groans] Listen carefully, and watch me wink as I speak, okay?

Chief Wiggum: The guy I'm really looking for, wink, [winks] is Mr. Bribe, wink, wink. Homer: You can't outsmart carnival folk. They're the cleverest folk in the world. Just look at the way they sucker regular folk with their crooked games. Sideshow Mel: Bah! There's cheese in this sandwich. Surely you know I'm lactose intolerant. Sideshow Mel: Sorry? Do you know how sick this is going to make me? Oh, boy! Come stand outside the bathroom. I want to yell at you some more Homer Simpson: [Homer answers the telephone wearing only a bath towel] You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.

Krusty the Clown: Next thing you know you're some schmuck working in a box factory. Marge: I saved these for you, Bart. You'll always have them to remind you of the time when you were the whole world's special little guy. Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase. Homer Simpson: Oh, something stupid like Bart would say. Lawyer: Your Honor, my client has instructed me to remind the court how rich and important he is, and that he is not like other men.

Marge: I'm sorry, but my mother said, if you can't say anything nice about someone, you shouldn't say anything at all. Lionel Hutz: How does a nice little girl like you know a big word like that? If I wasn't so spineless, I'd march into Mr. Burns' office right now and Lionel Hutz: [giving Bart his business card] Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.

Bart Simpson: You know, my dad's more fun when he's had a few beers. Maybe Ms. Krabappel would be more fun if we "Irish up" her coffee. Bart Simpson: No, I mean liquor. Now for the easy part. Kids, go get some booze. Milhouse: Why did she had to take my cell phone? I'm only on month one of my month plan.

Bart Simpson: You need to go out once in a while. When was the last time you washed your hair? Homer Simpson: Look, I've got a game to get to, so let's make this as fast as possible. Show me some of Bart's artwork, give me some false hope, and I'll give you a little something to help with his grades [Puts bills on Zach's pocket] I don't want As, just incompletes.

Bart Simpson: Bookstores don't have answers. Just creepy guys sitting at the end of the aisles. Oh, that's good Doris right there. Principal Seymour Skinner: Bart, you've told the truth, and you shall be rewarded Principal Seymour Skinner: I'd love to have Edna back, but I can't just fire a teacher if he's doing a good job, or even an adequate job, or shows up at all without touching someone.

Zachary Vaughn: [Chanting out in the hall] I hate children! I hate children! Children suck! Principal Seymour Skinner: What's this? Teacher's lounge talk in the hallways? Zachary Vaughn: I hate children! You and you and you and you! School is useless! Hilary Swank never graduated high school, and she won two Oscars, one of which she deserved. Zachary Vaughn: I mixed vodka with my Blue Bronco. Anyone else want to ride the indigo pony?

Edna Krabappel: You know why they call it a choir? Because choir we listening to this crap? Homer: Bart, with 10, dollars we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things, like Chief Wiggum: Heh, yeah, right, lady: An elephant ran through your front yard. Chief Wiggum: Wiggum Yeah, right, mister, mm-hmm. An elephant just knocked over your mailbox. Yeah, right, buddy, liquor store robbery, officer down. And I'm Edward G. Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get.

Bart: [protesting outside the radio station] I want my elephant! I want my elephant! Blackheart: Well, little girl, I've had lots of jobs in my day: whale-hunter, seal-clubber, president of the Fox network. And yes, like most people, I've dealt a little ivory. Bart: [praying] God, please give me one more chance to study, give me a snow day, or a power outage, or a teacher's strike, anything, please! Krabappel: Your grades have gotten steadily worse since the beginning of the term. Are you aware of that? Krabappel: And are you aware there is a major exam coming up tomorrow on Colonial America?

Krabappel: Bart! You haven't been listening to a word I've said, have you? I'm gay! Simpson made me gay. Ron Butterfly. Bart: Milhouse, there is no such thing as a soul. It's just something parents made up to scare children, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson. Grandma Van Houten: A caller at this hour? You dial nine-one, then when I say so, dial one again.

Chief Wiggum: [sees a crazy hobo running around screaming] Ralphie, you stay here in the car while daddy tries to talk some sense into this raving derelict. Chief Wiggum: [stands there looking] All right all right slow down, slow down! Milhouse: I'm really sorry I kind of traded your soul to the guy at the comic book store. But look!

I got some cool pogs: [shows them] Alf pogs! Remember Alf? He's back A few minutes later, he tries to leave, and bumps into the door when it fails to open again]. Apu: [over loudspeaker] Sanjay to the entrance with the Windex. Sanjay to the entrance with the Windex. Moe Szyslak: Well, that's too freakin' bad, you hear me! And I'll tell you where you can put your freakin' sodey too! Hibbert: Well, your cholesterol level is lethally high, Homer, but I'm more concerned about your gravy level.

Homer Simpson: Now, wait a second. You doctors have been telling us to drink eight glasses of gravy a day! Homer Simpson: Hey, Flanders, you're the worst coach this team has ever had! Marge Simpson: He's the only coach this team has ever had. And the season hasn't even started yet. Homer Simpson: Good practice, kids. Now it's time for the easiest part of any coach's job. The cuts. Although I wasn't able to cut everyone I wanted to, I have cut a lot of you.

Wendell is cut. Rudy is cut. Janey, you're gone. Steven, I like your hustle [Steven smiles]. That's why it was so hard to cut you [Steven's smile drops]. Congratulations, the rest of you made the team! Marge Simpson: Wow, Homer coaching in the championship game! You must be pretty proud of your son! Homer Simpson: My father never believed in me! I'm not gonna make the same mistake. From now on I'm gonna be kinder to my son and meaner to my dad.

Lisa Simpson: That's right. A girl who wants to play football. How about that? Ned Flanders: Well, thats super-duper, Lisa. We've already got four girls on the team. Lisa Simpson: Well After all Janey Powell: And for every ball you buy, a dollar goes to Amnesty International! Ned Flanders: A little higher, Wendell. Nelson's our quarterback. Ned Flanders: Ho ho ho, you betcha.

Team sports will keep you away from temptations like rock music and girls. Marge Simpson: Now, make no mistake. When I say "first aid" I'm not talking about some sort of Homer Simpson: Hey, Apu, you got that new beer with candy floating in it Nelson Muntz: [to football player] Gimme the ball! Homer: Hello, Son. I wanna apologize. I got so caught up in trying to encourage you, that I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you come back and play for the team, I promise I'll never encourage you again. Now its time for the easiest part of any coach's job. Homer: Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it?

You know, Skittlebrau? Homer: Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles. Principal Skinner: The things you don't know would fill a whole library and leave room for a few pamphlets. Superintendent Chalmers: [Opens book to table of U. Presidents] I'm sure you know who these guys are. Bart Simpson: [Points at Washington] Dollar bill guy Dolph: I like how he says "Bully" all the time, and he can really rock a pair of jodhpurs. Superintendent Chalmers: Take a good look, boys.

He's the canary in the coal mine of our failing education system. Homer Simpson: Bart, I'm going to ask you about something I read in a magazine. Are you boys in here cyberbullying? Jimbo Jones: How could we? We're all together, and we're not using computers. Marge Simpson: That's great, honey. Come down for chocolate milk and a brownie. Bart Simpson: Go right ahead. You can use the closet phone. Bart Simpson: There really is a closet phone? Bart Simpson: I've learned a lot today. Now to let TV slowly waste it all away. Bart Simpson: Of all the films about Teddy Roosevelt, what do you think represents him the best?

Lisa: As you know, we've been swimming. And we've developed a taste for it. We both agree that getting our own pool is the way to go. Now before you respond, you must understand that your refusal would result in months and months of Lisa, Bart: CanwehaveapoolDad? Homer: I understand. Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk. Marge: I wish you'd stop spreading bad rumors about people! Remember when you got Grampa tarred and feathered? Homer: [the Simpsons have accidentally made a barn out of a pool kit] All right, everybody in the pool!

Martin Prince: [in the Pool-Mobile] Take your best shot! I'm wearing seventeen layers! Bart: [the night after Bart hears a woman scream from Flanders's house, Bart sees Flanders digging a hole in his backyard]. Bart: This can't be what it looks like. There's gotta be some other explanation! Ned Flanders: I wish there was some other explanation for this. But there isn't. I'm a murderer, I'm a murderer! Jimbo: Dude, buzz has it an even wussier kid has an even better pool than this! Chief Wiggum: Do not be alarmed. Continue swimming naked. Oh, come on! Come on! Homer: [sarcastically] Oh, I see!

Then I guess everything's wrapped up in a neat little package! Martin Prince: More friends! More allies! More, I say. Hang those who talk of less. There's a few inches over here, ho! Martin Prince: Ah, my plan has come to fruition! Soon I'll be queen of summertime Krusty: Hope you enjoyed that, kids, 'cause Krusty's out of here for the summer.

In the meantime, we'll be running [groans] "Klassic Krusty". Lisa: [rapidly] Bart rented a car with a phony driver's license and drove Milhouse, Martin, and Nelson to a wig outlet in Knoxville and the car got crushed and they're out of money and they can't get home and Bart's working as a courier and just came back from Hong Kong! When he takes the hood off, he is eerily calm again].

Homer: All right, I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home. Then I will murder him. The phone rings, Marge picks it up]. Marge: Hello? Oh, hello, Principal Skinner. No, Bart has never been to Hong Kong. All right, goodbye. Tennessee State Police? No, my son's car did not get crushed in Knoxville! I can't even begin to tell you what's wrong with that. No, Bart is not available tomorrow to deliver a human kidney to Amsterdam!

Selma: Okay. One more step. I just gotta go laminate your license. You'll get it in two to three weeks. Bart: Mom, you're in the way of the TV. If you want to, you can fill out my form. Marge: [reading] "Parent's occupation Please note that 'homemaker' is not allowed, as it is not real work, that's why you don't get paid. Homer: What? How dare you. If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran. Hibbert: This little boy broke his leg trying to fly like Superman.

This boy's brother hit him in the head with a wrench, mimicking a recent TV wrestling match. I won't even subject you to the horrors of our Three Stooges ward. Hibbert: Well, as tragic as all this is, it's a small price to pay for countless hours of top-notch entertainment. Krusty the Clown: I can't go to jail. I got a swanky lifestyle. I'm used to the best. We don't send our celebrities to jail. We're just going to garnish your salary. Krusty the Clown: Who's joking? Oh, I don't understand what you're saying, it all sounds so crazy to me. Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Fill out schedule b.

You should receive your burgers in six to eight weeks. Homer Simpson: [Homer muttering to himself] Hey Marge. What were your gambling losses last year? Krusty the Clown: [upset about being ruined, to Bart] I was a big cheese, I was a huge cheese! Bart Simpson: Well if it'll make you feel better, you could punch me in the face.

Krusty the Clown: [prepares to punch Bart, stops] Nah, forget it. Go home, kid. Cayman Islands Bank Manager: [chuckles] I'm sorry, I can't disclose any information about that customer's secret, illegal account. Cayman Islands Bank Manager: Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said he was a customer Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said it was a secret Oh, crap! Homer: Oh Bart, don't worry, people die all the time. In fact, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Herman: When he leaves the Kwik-E-Mart, we start the saturation bombing. You got the water balloons? Bart: Two hundred rounds, sir.

Is it okay if they say "Happy Birthday" on the side? Abe Simpson: I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals, who remember the good old days, when entertainment was bland and inoffensive. Bart: Contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool gory pictures.

Abe Simpson: You know, I thought I was too old.

Bizaardvark (2016) s02e09 Episode Script

I thought my time had passed. I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain, or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank heaven for children. Bart: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, contrary to what you have just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. See you next week. Peace, man! Nelson Muntz: Naw, happens all the time. Someone else's blood splatters on me. Hey, wait a minute. You're right! You made me bleed my own blood! Twenty-two points. Plus, triple-word score, plus fifty points for using all my letters Game's over, I'm outta here.

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Homer: Wait a minute, you little cheater. You're not going anywhere 'til you tell me what a Kwyjibo is. Homer: Don't be discouraged, son. I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb. Edna Krabappel: These tests will have no effect on your grades. They merely determine your future social status and financial success. Homer: Frosty Krusty Flakes are what got him where he is today.

It could be one of these chemicals here that makes him so smart. Lisa, maybe you should try some of these. Homer: I'm just saying, why not have two geniuses in the family? Sort of a spare in case Bart's brain blows up. Homer: [sweet] Son, if you don't come out, I can't hug you and kiss you, and make you feel all better. Homer: Sorry, son. Your mom got us tickets to a snooty movie directed by some Swedish meatball. Mellon: Well don't you get it Bart? Homer: Hmmm, how could anyone make a word out of these lousy letters?

That is not an easy thing to do. And there are so many horror stories of how kids with special needs have been treated. Our severely disabled kids are a vulnerable community. Fortunately, we have been lucky to have surrounded him with so many caring adults.

Gigi Hadid deals with runway crasher

He has always loved school and this year is no different. So, back to that email. I have to admit it was heartbreaking to read that my youngest is hitting and kicking people. The bandit is still happy to go to school every day so I guess I should chalk that up as a win. The bandit family seems to have an aversion to dressing completely. Remember the show, Desperate Housewives?


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This line made me laugh because I am lucky if I get my whole family to be completely dressed for dinner, I cannot imagine requiring a tie. If I told the men in my family that a tie was necessary to eat, they would probably show up in their underwear and shirtless but wearing a tie to get food. I blame my husband. He hates pants. I should not have wasted that prayer because when I got home, MC was already there dressed in his skivvies, drunk as a skunk, and dancing around the house to music loud enough to entertain the chickens.

At least I know that the clothes aversion cannot be inherited from me, I actually like to be fully dressed. I have learned from facebook memes that this makes me a weirdo. I hate to wear my pajamas all day. I never walk around barefoot and I actually like wearing a bra. Add to this that I hate the taste of bacon and some might even question whether I am human. Like his father, the bandit is not a fan of pants. After all, these are neighbors and friends but I cannot risk a naked bandit sighting. He is a teenager, after all. It is cute when one is 3 but a naked year-old elicits far more gasps than giggles.

One time the drummer had someone over and the bandit emerged from his bedroom completely nude. She never came over again. I think not. Imagine my surprise when MC told me that he invited friends over to our house. And get this, not just for an afternoon, for an entire weekend. What was he thinking? I have to keep a house clean and a bandit dressed for an entire weekend!!! I was not sure I was up to the task. So many of my favorite stories involve the bandit being naked. The first time I realized that he climbs bookshelves like ladders.

The first time I discovered him trying to escape the house through a window. Nearly every other time he has tried to escape the house through a window. Fun fact, my very first parent-teacher conference regarding the bandit was all about brainstorming ways to keep clothes on him all day at school. The kid loves to be naked. The good news is that the weekend was a blast.

MC had his nerd friends over. They laughed and drank and played Risk until all hours of the night. They thanked me for housing them and feeding them and they never once mentioned if they saw too much of the bandit. It was a fun weekend. Maybe we can have guests over again soon. I am thinking sometime next July. When I was pregnant with the bandit, MC and I had a terrible time picking out a name for him. That and the vasectomy, but mostly the name thing.

While MC was rejecting my perfectly reasonable names of Joseph and Levi, he was offering ludicrous names such as Malachai no thanks, I have seen Children of the Corn and Mordechai sounds way too much like mortified. The bandit casually strolled into this world on a beautiful summer day in the middle of July. He was my only child who had the decency to be born in the daytime instead of the middle of the night. However, he was also the only one who dared to be born after his due date.

Oh, man, was I hot and miserable that summer. Baby boy bandit was not in a hurry to be born, though, which makes sense because he is never in a hurry to get anywhere I am late to pretty much everything so I have no room to complain. On this particular day, MC went to work and I went for a walk and another walk and another. Walk, they said, it will help with delivery, they said. I felt like I could walk to Egypt and back and the bandit would be like, nope, still staying in here. Anyway, my two oldest rode their bikes around the neighborhood while I walked.

My mom came over for a visit and she snapped a cute picture of the three of us. My kids on their little bikes with their adorable bike helmets on their sweet heads looking all ready to go. And then there is me, big as a whale, sweating profusely, lording over them with a giant fake smile on my face not knowing but desperately hoping that today is the day. Well, at least the kids look cute in that picture.

Around lunchtime, I had my first contraction. I was ecstatic. I got out the ole watch and began to time. Wah, wah. They were 20 minutes apart. I guess we could walk around the block again. When the contractions were around 10 minutes apart, I called MC and told him to come home. At 7 minutes apart we started to pack the car. At 4 minutes apart, we were headed to the hospital. Baby bandit was born around that evening. He was tiny, only 6 pounds but he was perfect. My mom brought the kids to the hospital.

My dad and my in-laws came a little later. That evening everything was wonderful. Surrounded by our loved ones, it was clear that the bandit was the perfect addition to our family. When people hear Tourette Syndrome, they often think about cursing. I remember watching a movie once many years ago that depicted this.

I am sure I thought it was funny at the time. Watching a kid cuss out an adult who deserves it would be high on the comedy scale for any kid. Movies like these perpetuate the myth that Tourette Syndrome is all about cursing. According to the Tourette Association of America, Tourette Syndrome is a neurological condition characterized by repetitive, involuntary vocal and motor tics that persist over time. Here is a link to the Tourette Association of America website where you can find this video.

I felt comforted by these kids and their bravery for sharing their hardships and their hopefulness that they will be accepted. I have gotten pretty used to the breath holding. It is the hitting himself that is difficult to watch. He hits hard too. He uses the knuckle on his right thumb to hit his left shoulder, left cheek, or the top of his head.

This is the reason that he wears a helmet only the helmet has not been able to stop him completely. He took off the chin strap and lost it a long time ago and he will take off the helmet to hit himself on the cheek or top of the head and then put the helmet back on his head. Usually, it is the shoulder he hits. He hits so often that his right thumb is constantly bruised and he has a hole in his shoulder. I put two bandaids on it every morning and he is still bleeding through his shirt by the end of the day.

The doctor has increased his medicine three times just this summer alone. Yesterday, we had a pretty good day as far as tics go. It was our first good day in what feels like a very long time and I hope that it was not just a fluke. Unfortunately, he also slept a lot yesterday. His sleep has been so bad for such a long time that I kind of think that his body needs to rest. Since it is summer, I have been letting him sleep when he feels like it.

I worry that we may have increased his medicine too much though. Self-injurious tics are the worst. Seeing my baby covered in bruises or bleeding is heartbreaking. One of the things the kids say in the video is that when they are doing an activity, their tics seem to ease up a bit so I try to keep the bandit busy. We go swimming and to the park, we bake and take little trips to the store. We live close to three different Dollar General stores and all three consider us regulars. Right now, MC is grilling lamb outside in nearly degree heat, eek!

After thinking for a bit this afternoon about what we wanted to do tonight, we have settled on family movie night, and I am pumped. After dinner, the bandit and I will get in one final car ride for the day, to pick up snacks. Then it is back at home to sit in the dark with my loved ones to watch a movie. I adore movies. I always have. My family did not go very often when I was a kid so going to the movies was a big deal. I remember my first in-theater movie, Star Wars.

It came out in which means I was 4 years old when I saw it provided we went when it first came out in theaters. I remember two things vividly. That made me laugh so hard. The second thing I remember is that the yellow words at the beginning of Star Wars went way too fast across the screen to really read them. Fast forward a few years when the next movie came out and I could actually read well. I braced myself for the fast flying yellow words only to laugh out loud at how slow they moved along the screen.

Such a difference actually learning how to read makes. I have always loved going to the movie theater. Getting overpriced popcorn and candy when my parents paid or sneaking snacks into the theater when the budget was my own and sitting in the dark with a couple of hundred strangers oohing and awing and jumping and laughing and crying together as a collective.

When I was in the 8th grade, my English teacher assigned an argumentative essay in which we had to debate watching a movie at the theater versus watching a movie at home. I was the only kid in my class that chose to watch a movie at the theater. I was so proud of my essay, too. No one did. They told me I was weird. I think even the teacher thought it was weird. As a parent, I tried to instill the love of going to the movies in my kids.

I would make sure it was a big deal to be at the movie theater. When the bandit was little, we still went to the movies as a family.


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  • He is blind but he seemed to like the fact that the seats moved and that he got to eat candy. MC and I would sit a few seats apart from each other and let the bandit walk back and forth between us eating junk food and playing with the bouncy seats. It all went well until the bandit began to yell back at the loud movie. He had very few words back then so it was mostly loud babble but he thought it was hilarious. Trust me it was super adorable for all involved. Just kidding. Our family thought it was precious but for some reason, the other movie watchers were less than amused.

    MC and I knew we could not take the bandit to the movies anymore. Once we decided that the bandit was not a movie theater goer, MC and I would split the family up. One of us would take the oldest two to the movies while the other would do something with the bandit. The next time we had a movie we wanted to see, we would switch. To this day, I still have never seen the first Avengers movie because that was a dad movie and not a mom movie.

    Sometimes we would give AMC sensory-friendly movies a try and we would bring the bandit along with us. We knew a sensory-friendly audience would be kind and not care if the bandit yelled back. As he got older though, there was no longer enough at the movies to interest him. He is not into playing with the bouncy seats and candy would only be a distraction for so long. The last movie we went to see, he spent the majority of the time in the bathroom because the theater had those fancy hand dryers where you put your whole hand in them. Those are his favorite. We spent a very long time washing and drying our hands over and over again.

    Like, seriously, the majority of the movie. I am not joking. I am not sure when family movie night started but I remember that it was MC who was determined to make it special. He knew how disappointed I was that we could not enjoy movies as a family and he was determined to make it happen. He rented a movie projector and hung a sheet up on our living room wall. We ate and laughed and jumped and cried together as a family and it was everything. Even the bandit could enjoy himself.

    He could beg his siblings to share their candy with him. And he was free to yell at the screen or get up and move around whenever he wanted. Today, in fact, when MC and I were contemplating what to do this evening, he suggested having the oldest two watch the bandit while we have a date to the movies.

    Although I do love a good date with the hubs, I suggested a family movie night instead. It only took me 32 years to figure it out but now I realize that my 8th grade English class was right all along. Staying home for the movies is the best. Nothing I did could match the awesomeness of how her precious daddy did it.

    How dare you insult me with this nonsense. But toddler tantrums are the worst so I would get creative instead Otherwise known as lying my ass off! Somehow we made it through toddlerhood, childhood, teenagerdom, and adulthood with Camo girl. Conversely, the drummer was so laid back he could care less who did what. The bandit, however, is completely different still. In his mind, it seems that there are mama jobs and dadda jobs and that is it.

    Never the twain shall meet! For the most part, dadda is in charge of fun and mama is in charge of business. If a chore needs to get done, it is mama saying it will get done. Mama is in charge of bathtime and bedtime. Mama is in charge of medicine. Mama is no fun, I am afraid, no fun at all. If fun is to be had, it is dadda to the rescue. Imagine my surprise then, when the bandit requested his mama last night for something other than chores. Let me set the scene. Poor dadda, he does not have a bed. Of course, the two of them were being silly together, listening to music, and having a lot of fun, when the bandit requested his mama.

    Okay, so I am in the dining room, eating cake and playing cards with my two oldest. I am completely oblivious to the whims of my youngest child. Then I get a phone call from my husband. Yes, that man called me on the phone from the other side of the house. Do your spouses do this?

    Is this normal behavior? My heart drops. Crap, what could be wrong? My mind instantly scrolls down the list of worst possible scenarios; accident, illness, seizure, death, you know, normal mom thoughts. The bandit wants me to play piggies with him. You know, this little piggie when to market, this little piggie stayed home, etc. He wants piggies and tickles and raspberries on his belly and he wants his mama to do it.

    And, of course, I obliged. It, seriously, made my day. There is a storm happening outside of my house right now. Through the open window, I can hear the rolling thunder and I can feel a cool breeze blowing gently upon my neck. Earlier, a rainbow in the sky bridged the gap between sunshine and storm clouds, a dichotomy of light and darkness. I knew the storm was coming before I could sense it in the air, thanks to technology and weather forecasts. I was surprised, then, to walk outside after work and into a gorgeous spring day.

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